domingo, 16 de noviembre de 2014

Asperger, and being yourself

Asperger's Syndrome - I will call it "Asperger" for short - is a syndrome I knew about only a few years ago. It's an autism-related illness. I know a lot of people can feel offended by me calling it an "illness", but as long as something prevents the normal, healthy, work of the body or the mind, I think it qualifies as "illness".
The story I'm going to share is about me, egotistical as it is.
When I first knew about Asperger was due to a couple of friends. They had discovered it and thought I had it. When I started reading I read "autism", thought about "Rainman" and the kid from "Mercury Rising", and tossed the idea. However, with time, I came to read more about it and find enough similarities with traits on my own behavior to worry. After passing a few years worrying, and fearing that I really were somewhat "broken", I finally went to check it.
After several tests and interviews, the psychologist told me I wasn't. I have my issues, sure, but the decision point was that Asperger people are unable to cope with them, where I had learn how to work around some of those traits.
Among other things she told me during the interviews, we talked about "being normal". One of my worries is that I didn't felt normal and didn't like normal things because I wasn't normal, and that, being not-normal, was a problem, because it would prevent a "normal", healthy relationship. She told me that she had known a lot of "normal" people, and they are a bit boring. I've been told that "normality is for mediocre people". Supporting as they are, I see a lot of normal-seeming people having their normal-seeming lives and being perfectly happy. Faith, a balance between knowledge and ignorance, love, children, families... Normal people, normal lives.
I have not heard about any of those people fearing that the only reason their relatives love them is because they're supposed to, instead of because they have good traits.
I haven't heard of them that they feel rejected because they're fascinated with science, with knowledge for the sake of knowledge, with thinking about thoughts, layer after layer, about stories and fantasies, about living reality but imaging things are not what they are (I say "imaging", not "believing")

I guess the point is that the more you wonder, the more insecure you are, because you always end up in doubt. Anyway, you can't stop wondering, just as you can't have faith because you want to.
Maybe the conclusion is a bit pessimistic for anyone wishing for a "normal" life, because if you're wishing it, it's because you don't have it, and chances are, because you're not "normal", so you actually have not a chance. So let's try to summarize:

Know yourself. Change what you want to as long as you can. Pretending is only going to hurt you and others.
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